One of the true marvels of being a father is witnessing what it takes to be a mother. It really shouldn’t surprise me, after all- observing many of my friends as parents over the years taught me the one and only iron law of parenting: moms are just way tougher than dads. However, when you witness it up close on your own child, it becomes seared into your consciousness in a deeper way. Before it was known, now it’s owned.
I suppose it all begins shortly after conception. A mother with child deals with nausea, fatigue, and all-around discomfort to varying degrees during the 9 months of pregnancy. Expecting fathers like me try to get in as many rounds of golf as possible knowing that junior’s arrival effectively puts the kaibosh on any future early morning walks down the fairway. It culminates in the whole delivery process. As I’ve mentioned on several occasions, witnessing what my son did to my wife gives a whole new spin on good ‘ol Genesis 3:16. I, on the other hand, got bored at various points during the 18 hour process and found myself playing tetris and reading about Carmelo Anthony trade rumors to pass the time between contractions. Post delivery- I don’t think the balance has changed too much. The wife is up at least once, and sometimes twice a night to nurse. Deep sleep is a distant memory not to be visited for at least several more weeks. As for me, I sometimes wonder how much my life has really changed. I think I’m doing about as much as I can, but the simple fact that I can’t nurse and I leave for work 5 days a week basically renders anything I do as the proverbial pimple on the elephant’s ass compared to the work of the mother. This realization has made me even more impressed with all the moms out there who do a “good job” raising children, and has led me to have significantly more grace for those moms who are doing a “not so good” job, or maybe even opted out altogether. The single moms, of which there are appear to be so many these days, they are my new heroes.
Richard Rohr- the man who’s writings inspired this blog’s title- often laments the lack of initiation rites for the modern western male. He attributes this lack of meaningful transition from boyhood to manhood as a principle reason behind the lack of manliness and virtue in the vast majority of modern men. (Would anyone really dispute this observation?). Specifically within the christian church, many observers are calling the lack of male participation an all-out crisis. Much ink has been spilled about how the church is producing a lot of “nice” or “religious” men, but very few men who are larger than life. On the other hand, women (in general) have childbirth and child rearing as a natural initiation rite. This forces them to come to terms with their pain/fears, and they typically need to call on a higher power to get through to the other side of the barrier. But when they do, they tend to emerge stronger, wiser, bonafide. I have to admit that the number of quality single women in the communities of faith that I am involved in outnumber the quality men by a factor of 5. Maybe 10. And this is even before they go through the whole kid thing.
I often wonder about how S will be initiated into manhood. When I reflect on my own upbringing, while I grew up in a middle class home, I like to think that I still had that edge and toughness that is a natural extension of first generation immigrant parents. I often share how my mom first sent me to sleep away camp for 1 week when I was six years old. It was largely against my will, and thus I cried like a baby every night because I was so homesick. The way she decided to deal with that was to send me to a camp that was even further away for 8 weeks the following summer. (My mom was a real Tiger Mom) During the winter months, many Saturday and Sundays between Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent waking up at the crack of dawn and setting up shop with my parents at the local outdoor flea market. This is just what we did to make ends meet.
S’s reality is unlikely to look to anything like what his father had growing up. To be frank, he is now part of the privileged. As much as I want to give him every opportunity to succeed, a part of me also feels this desire to manufacture hardship in his life. I don’t know of any other way besides struggle for him to become the man he’s destined to be. I see it already just 5 weeks into his life- I’m inclined to let him cry and figure things out instead of picking him up to comfort him. There’s a voice in my head that ironically replays the thought, “Stop being such a baby!” The wife and his grandmothers promptly scold me for being so obtuse. This will likely be a constant struggle throughout the coming years- the mother’s desire to nurture/protect will clash with the father’s desire to toughen him up. I can only pray that we find the right balance between these competing ideals. May God help us to do so.
Hey John,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great article about our collective loss in society of initiation rites for men. I've always had a sense of loss that I never had one. As men, many of us feel as though we never really "arrived" because our father figures never initiated us into adulthood. I have never thought of pregnancy as a natural initiation for women, but that really makes sense.
There is no question that the church is completely female dominated and that the men that are often drawn to church activity tend to be more feminine as well. This is not a new issue as I understand it, but a historical one that goes back hundreds of years. (At least as old as the Dispensationalism movement in America.) It also makes sense that men that have grown up in female dominated home environments are simply going to feel more at home in church culture. It's easier for them to navigate the social norms and seek female approval, since it's become second nature to them. (I believe mothers generally teach their sons to gain the approval of others and "fit in.")
I don't quite jive with your observation that "mature single females outnumber men in the church 10 to 1." I can see how you might believe that as a married man, who has regular interaction with women as friends within the church environment. But I would challenge you that you are confusing spiritual maturity with personal maturity.
As a single guy who has dated a lot within the church as well as outside of it, I can tell you that there are many women within the church have incredible spiritual maturity. They are gifted prayer warriors, healers, prophets and teachers. I am humbled to know them, as many of them I consider spiritual mentors who God has used in my life in powerful ways.
But in my experience, many of these same women are lacking in personal maturity. This is something that can only be seen apart from the church environment, so hopefully I'm not speaking too esoterically here. There have been several women that I have dated who excel in the church environment and women's groups, but who really lead very sheltered lives, who go back and forth from their work environment, to their church community and that's about it.
To be honest, the women I've met in church often are more screwed up, neurotic and immature then many non-Christians I have dated. Their experience of life and how relationships are supposed to work seem to have come from a weird mix of feminized sermons, Christian relationship books, highly questionable translations of the bible, and modern ideas of romance from pop-culture. In other words, many of them suffer from the same Peter Pan complex that many men in church often do...they've never really "grown up." What they bring to relationships comes from a church-culture fantasy land, not from living a life rich with experience. A surprisingly large number of women in the church are simply scarred of men in general.
For both men and women, I believe real personal maturity cannot be found or gained in church culture. It requires really spending time with and getting to know 1.) yourself. 2.) the opposite sex. It requires taking risks in the real world where you can fall down and get hurt. But then you learn to get up, brush yourself off and move past it. That's when a person realizes that they are a stronger child of God then they ever realized and that they're not made of cotton candy. And that personal attribute is universally attractive to basically everyone.
Anyways...I don't want to highjack this wonderful blog and make it all about this issue. I hope you find the right initiation rite for your son. I'm curious to know what you come up with. Thanks for bringing up the topic!
Ben P
BP- that's a totally valid point you're making. You're right- I've only made these observations as a married man, and never having had to date single Christian women. So I've never had to view their foibles from that particular lense.
ReplyDeleteI think it's unfortunate that you would remark that personal maturity cannot be found or gained in church culture. If this is even remotely the case for the average congregation, then we (as a senior lay leader in the body, I am taking personal responsibility) are totally failing at one of the primary missions. IMO, what you're alluding to is that individuals steeped in a typical church environment don't get out there into the "real world" enough. This is probably true as the "real world" is often viewed as an Godless environment that ought to be avoided, rather than a reality that must be confronted.
Either way, great to stay in touch.
Hey John,
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts from you as always.
It's not that I believe people cannot grow tremendously within the church, and become monumentally better human beings. The very fact that you have to face your own shortcomings and sinful nature on a regular basis can change someone to the core. And resources for healing and renewal exist in many churches that many people simply can't get elsewhere. I myself am deeply thankful for how Christian community has helped me grow as a person.
But in regards to what I think you keep mentioning; the lack of male leaders, role models, and men that are "larger then life," many of those attributes cannot be learned or gained within church alone in my experience.
I say that because churches are intended to be safe, welcoming environments where to some extent, people are free to fail, as long as they try to follow the social norms established by the community. If a person truly keeps growing as a person, at some point, they will have to leave that place of safety in order to keep growing. (Forgive the crude comparison, but it is much like a baby outgrowing a womb.) This is not to say that such a person should stop going to church altogether...it just means their personal journey must become larger then their comfort zone.
Going back to the idea of initiation rites, as I understand it, they usually involved a boy being separated from his mother, a certain amount of physical trauma, hunting or some sort of violence, and then coming out the other side of the experience with an entirely different level of confidence and understanding of oneself and the world.
I also can't help but think of most hero myths; a young man must leave his place of safety and confront his greatest fears. He starts as a boy, and ends as a man who must own his successes and failures. They aren't God's successes or failures...HE must own them. I don't believe church can provide these challenges as they exist in the real world anymore then I believe Frodo could have destroyed the ring without leaving the Shire. This is not the failure of the Shire, it's just that the world is a bigger place with it's own call that must be answered.
I'm curious...do you believe a man can mature personally entirely within a church environment? And if that is your vision, how might that be realized?
Thanks again for bringing up these topics...they probably deserve their own blog!
BP,
ReplyDeleteI would agree 100% that a man cannot mature personally entirely within a church environment.
What you're saying really begs the question of what is the purpose/mission of a church. I am of the belief that the church's primary goal should be to empower greatness in what I call "the other 164 hours a week". In other words, if we spend 2 hours at church on Sunday and 2 hours in a small group, then the focus of for those 4 hours should be to equip an individual for what happens during the rest of the week.
This aligns well with the idea of the hero's journey and initiation rights more broadly. If the church represents some notion of a safe environment (it doesn't always for everyone, but perhaps it does for the majority), then it's important for an individual to depart from this and come to terms with the larger world. In fact, I always thought that this is what God meant when He told Adam to "Fill the earth and subdue it"- the implication was that the world was not a safe place and it needed to be confronted/subdued.
The shortcoming you identify is that for many men in the church- the church is primary, and everything else is a distant secondary. So all one's friends and social life revolve around the church community. Work becomes something that has to be done in order to meet the bills and provide basic needs while real needs are met in church. The battleground become centered around issues like knowledge of the bible or other surface-level metrics of spirituality. But this is very far from God's design (as I see it). This result is another failure of the leadership, and this chicken-and-egg problem with men and church is only resolved if the leaders decide to do something.
Hence, the goal and intent of the various things we're trying to do at the River these days aligns a little better with this outside-focused perspective. It’s not anything new per se, but I think the focus/context is a little different. The bible, prayer, and other spiritual disciplines are and always will be central, but the real question is how many lives are we changing? In my view, the best way to change a life is how Jesus did- by just doing what you do in a manner that is so full of love, power, and peace that it compels one’s imagination. I’m reminded at how the “crowds were amazed at Jesus because he preached as one having authority”- he actually lived this incredible, larger than life existence that we all strive for. To live a kind of life that others want to imitate requires all the inner work that the church is good at, but there’s nothing like the arena of “real life” to test whether or not any progress is being had. If the answer to that question is the affirmative, then surely manly men will come and follow.
Hi guys! Great conversation! Ben highlighted to me the foregone practice of rites of passage for young men. What would be an adequate ritual for young boys of today?
ReplyDeleteI tend to empathize with Ben on the dating experience within the church. During my five years in NYC, my dating experience was strained to say the least. I found it very difficult to start and maintain any sort of dating within the church. Outside the church wasn't much better. I mainly attributed this to the fact that I was a conservative Christian in a liberal, secular town. My dating experience in Texas was much better as I found southern women to be more relaxed, open and warm.
I agree with Ben in that many or most NYC Christian women are generally sheltered and less willing to take risks. I am not, however, making a judgement on this. Perhaps it is better to be in such ranks. It does, however, present some unique challenges to dating within the church.
Lest I point to all but me, I agree with John that Christian males must continue to grow in Godly manliness (myself included). At the end of the day, I accept the likelihood that any difficulties I experienced were most likely due to my own limitations as a Christian male.
Hey John,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts and expressing your intent as a leader within the River. I think that really clarifies things a lot.
One thing that I want to clarify is that when I speak of "the church," I am speaking of modern Christianity as I have experienced it, across a wide variety of churches. I believe the River to be a unique church, along with the Cambridge Vineyard. Most churches do not have the inspired vision that you have been putting forth; I wish they did.
I am humbled by your contribution of leadership over the years to make the River a better place; I give you a lot of credit for it even surviving in New York at all. So my comments are given with a great attitude of respect.
I think the intention that men & women are equipped during the week to "really live life," is a powerful and unique vision. I support you and the River leadership on that 100%. I believe it's very consistent with Jesus sending his disciples out into the world; even to face their own death. Jesus didn't start a church and then have everyone come to him...he went to them. (Proaction vs. reaction.)
As far as rights of passage, in my limited life experience, their are certain qualities that men must attain to in order to grow into manhood. Here is a quick list. My perspective is not a biblical one per say...this is just based on my experience and observation of male mentors that have had a positive effect on my life:
1.) An all consuming passion- This doesn't mean his job necessarily. But it drives him and gives his life purpose and meaning. This could be something God gives him to do. This passion requires massive levels of energy. I don't believe a man's main passion is meant to be his family. Sorry...I just don't. His family may be the reason behind his passion, but I believe if his family is his first major passion, his life will become empty at some point. When a man is following his true passions, others will be swept into it. He will become a leader over time, and his family, work life, etc will naturally fall into their natural levels of importance.
2.) Love of himself and his boundaries: He knows himself, the good and the bad and is able to navigate life actively, not passively. He believes in the depth of his being that he "has what it takes." He has the assurance that he can handle a tough world because he has a solid personal identity and emotional boundary lines. People cannot manipulate him because his personal boundaries don't have holes in it; he does not give away himself for the approval of others.
3.) The ability to romance & seduce women- I don't mean this in a sleazy way.
By seduction, I mean that a man realizes that he must lead the relationship between him and the woman of his affection. If he wants romance, sex, etc he must make it happen and be responsible for it. He must learn to not fear women and have mastery over his emotions within the relationship. In nature, the quest for a mate is one of the most powerful forces that makes males improve themselves. One reason I believe there is a lack of masculine power in the church, is that the church is afraid of sexuality in general. Male sexuality is seen as threatening or dirty. This is a shame, because male sexuality is one of the most important components of the male identity. In the American church, men are almost universally meant to feel that that are sinners because of their natural sexual desires. What a a great way to eliminate 90% of men from the church culture!
(Continued in part 2.)
4.) The ability to protect oneself and loved ones from physical violence and threats- This assurance only comes from experience; quite possibly attending a martial arts class, growing up in a rough neighborhood, etc. (This is a growth point for me personally...I am going to pursue this more this winter.)
ReplyDelete5.) To be a provider for loved ones- Despite all the feminism, this one is so important. In New York, this is often confused with "you need to become rich to get a woman." I'm amazed by the number of guys I know that use the power of their personal wealth to feel attractive to the opposite sex. (They often don't have number 1, an all consuming passion.)
My list isn't complete. But my point here is that I see the church as able to encourage and nurture some of these qualities, not all of them. In particular, number one and number two.
If you have anymore thoughts on this or want to expand the list, I'd love your input.
Sebastian,
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you’re still connected to us, and a part of this conversation. How’s Israel? Especially with all the potentially revolutionary events going on in the Middle East?
I don’t have a firm idea of what would make for a great initiation rite in this day and age. I do think it ought to involve both physical and mental testing, and so it feels like coming face to face with nature is a good one. I am inclined to believe that it is also something that must be done alone, but we’ll see what S’s mother has to say about that. I’m not sure how to make it serious enough to be a genuine struggle, but not so dangerous that life is at risk. So maybe hunting buffalo and bears in yellowstone during the winter would be a bit extreme.
Ben’s list of what it takes to really become a man seems to be in-line with my thoughts. The only thing I would add is how to be a good friend/peer/mentor. In my view, there really isn’t any formula or playbook by which one can acquire any of these attributes. They are more or less discovered, and then once discovered, the responsibility would be for that individual to share and propagate this with others. My belief is that anyone who is having success on these dimensions will have a ready audience of “good soil” who are ready, willing, and desiring to emulate him. This would be the very definition of a leader.
hey john- entering the conversation late here, but great post (& discussion) as always.
ReplyDeleteone passage that reminds me of the liminal type of discipleship that Jesus employed is Luke 10, where disciples go two by two with nothing with them... it's a moment of mission, liminality, and communitas (deeper level of community earned through common liminality).
i too wonder how the church can foster these types of environments, or at the very least equip folks for those very environments that people find themselves in throughout the week.